Perception

I've been thinking recently about how people see me.

I mean, not in the physical way. I'm not too worried about that. Hell, I rarely do my hair since I got the eight inches chopped off a few weeks ago and I only really own a week's worth of decent-looking clothes... So, worrying about my physical appearance would just be pointless. Plus, I'm in college. I'm allowed to look less put together, right? Right.

What I really mean is how people see me as an actual person. My personality.

See, I had someone tell me tonight that I'm not an optimistic person.

Of course, the correct response from pretty much anyone who knows me is, "No shit, Sherlock." At least in normal, every day situations. He was saying I'm not optimistic because I don't like summer, though*... Yeah, if you can explain how those two things go together, I'd be grateful.

Well, as I was trying to figure out how being an optimistic person and enjoying a sweaty, disgusting season filled with people not wearing clothes go together, I realized that someone thought I see things from the bright side. And I wondered how.

I try, REALLY try, to not go around complaining about things. That's more to save the sanity of others than anything, though. No one likes the person who just complains about how annoying it is that that little piece of your nail color is chipped or how uncomfortable summer is all the time, right?

Right. But does this make me an optimist?

I asked a friend what he thought, and he said that in some ways, I am. I didn't ask him to go any further into detail, but I'm not going to lie... it shocked me.

I guess when it comes to trying to make people feel better, I try to seem up-beat about things. But that's because I don't like people being in a bad mood.

Or food. But that's more excitement than anything else.

When it comes to things like the world or love or the weather, though, I'm probably the most pessimistic of my friends.

I have little faith in humans. We are the rulers of screwing up things. No, really. Just think about it. Humans are fascinating creatures, but, despite how intelligent our brains are, we manage to do so many things wrong and treat each other so horribly.

Love...? Love songs, stories, and movies annoy the hell out of me. I like the ones where people don't end up together. It feels more realistic.

Weather? I live in Michigan... It doesn't take a genius to figure out why the weather annoys me at times.

I don't know. It's just weird that some people think I'm capable of thinking positively about things all the time. Have I really gotten that good at censoring myself**? I mean, I know I don't say much, but I'm rather positive my facial expressions give away just about everything.

And if some people see me as a happy, optimistic person, how else am I perceived?!

Do they think I'm smart? Dumb? Annoying? Self-absorbed? A bitch? Too nice?

Oh, good grief.

This is going to bug me now.

I'm going to try to go to bed.

You're welcome for updating about something that is just rambles. I'm tired, but wanted to get this out.

Good night.

Pippa the Fish loves you.

Chelsea

*It's not that I hate summer, I just don't love it. I mean, really, have you seen me?! I have little to no color. I burn, not tan! Plus, I continue to live in the north for a reason! I don't like it too warm. It feels gross and... it's just a mess.

** Except "bad" words. Yeah, I swear. Quite a bit. I'm working on that censorship...

Some Reasons I Don't Drink (Alcohol)

So, I've been lying in bed for at least ten minutes now, just TRYING to fall asleep. I am tired, but, of course, my brain won't shut up. Usually, I'm able to ignore most things, but there are just too many things going on in that small area. A few of the things, I can't write about. They're too personal and more about annoying emotions, and I don't even like talking about them. This one thing, though... it just has me really, really frustrated. Which, I guess, could go under an "annoying" emotion, but it's easier to avoid*.

See, today, I had a really good friend try to convince me that I should give drinking (yes, alcohol) a shot. Yes. I am twenty and have not had any alcohol. It's not because I haven't been given the chance, nor do I find it to be wrong morally speaking, but it's just something I have considered wrong for me. This friend, however, has been working on trying to get me to try it for the past year. And, so, of course, I vented a little to another friend, who also tried to convince me to try it.

Because I am so, incredibly sick of having to always explain all of these reasons multiple times to people, I decided I should just blog it.** If they feel the need to try to talk me into it, I can just link this to them. It'll save everyone some time. Mostly my time, though.

Okay. Here we go.

Reasons I Do Not Drink:

1. It is still, technically, illegal for me to do so. Do I agree with this law? No, not really. I do think the drinking age should be lower. But, it's not. Even though I don't agree with the law, I'm not going to risk getting caught and in trouble for a couple hours of what some claim to be "fun."

2. I just don't feel like it? I know. Sounds obvious. But people Just. Don't. Get. It. This tends to be one of the first reasons I give for not drinking, and they're always in shock or something. I don't know. I don't get their reactions, but that's how it is. The way I see it, if you don't want to do something, and it's not essential to your current well-being or future, then why do it? I don't like going to school, but I go, because I am almost required to have a college education to get a job in most things I like. However, I don't like the idea of skydiving, and it's not essential to my future, so I'm not going to do it. For me, personally, drinking is like skydiving. I don't want to do it, I don't need to do it, so I don't do it. Simple as that.

3. I can "have fun" without it. Once again, another argument people come up with is "You'll have more fun if you drink!" Uhhh... I don't think so. I actually rather enjoy watching all of you "be silly" while I'm sober. I mean, it's cool that you're acting stupid; I have no problem with it. I'm just happy I'll be able to remember all of it the next day and tell you all of it. Wouldn't you miss having someone tell you all the silly things you said or did? Yeah. That's what I'm there for. I consider myself one who is perfectly capable of having fun without the assistance of alcohol. If you're not, drink on up. I don't give a flying magical fridge.

4. I know my body. One thing a lot of people don't know about me is that I get "addicted" to things really, really easily, and I am one who does things out of habit (another part of the "addiction," I think). I consider it part of who I am. I'm not ashamed of it. For example, the vegetarian place here has really good food, but the beginning of this year, I found myself in the habit of constantly getting the hummus platter (with garlic and red pepper hummus) and a fruit salad. Every. Single. Day. It's not that it's that amazing; I just fell into the habit of getting it. The habit, I think, is part of the addiction for me. I also can't stop eating sugar and pop. Addicted. I know it's not exactly the definition of addicted, but, considering the fact that it takes more power than it should for me to not buy cookies and chocolate everyday, I consider it to be one of my addictions. Since alcohol isn't exactly on the health list (in many cases), I think it would be bad for me to risk forming any kind of addiction to it. Just thinking.

5. I like having complete control of my actions. I'm not a control freak. I'm really not. I usually am cool with just "going with the flow." When it comes to my personal actions, however, I like knowing that I made all my own choices and that they weren't influenced by anything I drank. Simple as that.

6. I don't do things just because "everyone else" is doing it. This is possibly one of the most popular arguments I get for this topic. "You should do it because other people at the party are (so it'll be more fun... goes alone with #2)." -sigh- Okay. I, obviously, am not one who does things because "everyone else" does it. Need examples?
1) I don't eat meat. Being a vegetarian is not the "norm" in this society. Most people eat meat. It's pretty much part of how our society has adapted. When I decided to become a vegetarian, I only knew one other person who was like me. Now, I know only four.
2) I'm an atheist. The "norm" in the U.S. society is to believe in some kind of higher power, especially the monotheistic god. Obviously, I don't let my religious views get decided on by what "everyone else" is doing. Most of my friends are also Christians. And my family, too. (In fact, my family is full of a lot of really devout Catholics... just sayin'.)
3) I did choir throughout school years instead of sports. I don't know about your town, but in my town, everyone paid attention to the sports. That was the "norm" there. A good chunk of the school some how managed to participate in a sport. Not only was it a norm in my school, but it was what most of my mom's side of the family does/did. I did not let the acceptance of my extracurricular activities be determined by what was normal in my school and family.
Now, looking at this list, these are three things that kind of make up a big part of who I am. Drinking is such a small activity (but is made a big deal by my peers and society). If I didn't let society or those closest to me decide on these huge parts of who I am, then why would I let what "everyone" at the party is doing make me decide whether or not I'm going to do something? Besides, doing something because "everyone else" is doing it is just... well, it's kind of stupid. Unless it's going to save your life or someone else's life, deciding to do something because it's expected of you by those around you means you're not thinking for yourself. That's where and when I lose respect for you. (Just being honest.)

Now, I want to emphasise, once again, that I do not think there is anything wrong (morally speaking) with drinking; it's just not right for me. I think a lot of people think I'm trying to be "mightier" than they are in terms of my morals. I'm really, truly, honestly not trying to be or seem like it. I'm perfectly fine with being at parties with drinking and watching my friends drink. I don't try to talk them out of it (just ask them), nor do I stop them cold in their tracks (unless I think they've already had too many and are at risk of actually harming themselves). I really don't care.

Okay. I think I'm done ranting.
Congrats if you got to the end of this. If you want to leave a comment, as always, feel free to do so. I wrote this so I didn't have to explain myself so much anymore.

Okay. Now that I have that off my chest and it's 3:00 A.M., I think I can get some sleep.

Good night!
And I lurve you all!

Chelsea :)


*Just have to avoid people. Ha. Ha. Ha.
** Plus, it might help me sleep. I hope. Grrr. -yawns-

My "Poems" (For You to Make Fun... HAVE FUN!)

-deep breath-

Okay.

So, I mentioned something on Twitter about getting back "poems" for my Creative Writing class today, and, though I don't understand why, some of you seemed interested in reading them?

I went back and forth between whether or not I should share them, but, in the end, I figured it would help my grade. "How could it help your grade to embarrass the hell out of yourself, Chelsea?" Well, Imaginary Person in my Head, I could just ask everyone who reads these sorry excuses for poetry to completely tear them apart. I'm not talking, "Ohhhh, this is great, but you should do this..." I'm talking about, "Wow. Okay. First thing you need to do... Get rid of this shit."

Yes. Just like that.

So, if you're reading this, don't hesitate to take me down. Both of these are, pretty much, my first drafts. Very little, if any, revision went into either one. Also... I NEED the harsh, bringing-me-down criticism. I want (and need) to do well in the class, and I feel like I'm not learning anything from the teacher, so I need YOU to help me figure out what is "good" and what is "bad."

By the way, my teacher doesn't seem to like poems with rhyming throughout the whole thing, so don't worry about that. Haha. She basically told me to scrap my one rhyming poem (which I'm not showing, because I have another plan for it since she wanted me to try something else with it...), but the other pieces were okay-ish (if some revisions were in the future).

Okay. Now, go crazy with your imaginary red pens of death and kill these pieces of shit so they may rise from the dead and become something like a weird-looking-smelling-tasting flower.

Much love and many thanks,
Chelsea

Crocodile

Crocodile
Laying in a murky stream.
Eyes propped out.
Smiling. Waiting.
“Don’t be afraid.
Take a chance,”
He growls,
Sweetly. Smoothly.
“If it hurts,
The leap and pain were worth it,”
He encourages,
Kindly. Hopefully.
I take a leap
Into the murky stream,
Where Crocodile waits,
Patiently. Hungrily.
The next thing I know,
I am being pulled under,
Smiling. Grinning.
Then
Gasping. Crying.

Little One

Forever submerged
In your transparent coffin of life
Where breaths of life are dissolved,
You move around restless,
In amazement of everything,
Whether they be grand or dull.

The sounds of music
And the motion of my fingers
Always get your heart throbbing,
One means entertainment,
The other, food,
But both mean company.

I know it gets lonely for you,
Our competing languages forming mountains
Of misunderstanding;
And I know you long for a presence
When everyone leaves,
But, I promise, it’s always only temporary.

Like everything else, though, Little One,
I know our Time Together Clock
Will eventually be shattered and broken.
So, please, excuse the camera in your tiny face,
I wish only to remember you well
When a wind like Winter’s blows out your tiny flame.

Feeling Lame(...r Than Last Year)

Why does sitting on my computer in my dorm alone all night seem so much lamer* this year than it did last year?

No, seriously. Last year, I was perfectly content with sitting in my dorm, doing nothing all weekend while everyone else was out part-ay-ing and getting totally wasted before hooking up with the random creep from the frat par-tay down the street who wants to do nothing but... -nudge, nudge- You know. -wink- This year, though, I feel like I'm actually missing out on everything and, ya know, being a person.

Now, don't get me wrong. I still don't think those are my scenes. Good grief, they're not. Can you imagine me at a frat party? I'd be trying to act like I'm also getting drunk so I don't look like a total outcast while watching uncomfortably as everyone bumps and grinds instead of doing the Macarena and Cha Cha Slide. And then I'd slowly back myself up into a corner to rock back and forth while dialing the number to get a taxi.

Yeah. That's exactly how it'd go.

Oh. I forgot there would be some weed in there somewhere. So, I'd have to look like a mix of drunk and high?

Yeah. Obviously, I've never been to one of those, but that's how the parties all look in the movies, and we KNOW how factual movies are, right? Right.

I don't know. I know I'm not the only person in this dorm building who is sitting at home talking to friends from back home and/or Internet friends from around the world every weekend night, but I feel like I'm just weird for not wanting to go out and do that stuff.

-shrug-

Maybe I'll just make myself into even more of a geek and turn on some documentaries and learn this weekend. At least my time would be used effectively, right?

Anyways, I just thought I'd blurb on that, because my level of boredom exceeded the amount that would allow me to continue to just sit here and stare at my screen.

I hope you guys all have a much more interesting night than I will be having, and I will see you on Twitter**.

Lurve,
Chelsea

*Or is it "more lame"? Whatever. My ability to be grammatically correct all the time is slowly drifting from me.

**I apologize in advance for the abundance of tweets I will be sending out this weekend. My boredom causes you to be annoyed. It's like a new Law of Science. Right up there with all of Newton's.

Dear Chilis...

Dear Chilis (restaurant),

These are NOT $6.00 nachos! Hell, these should not even be considered nachos!

Now, these, on the other hand... THESE are nachos!

Please learn a lesson from these fine, fine people, and serve what you are advertising to keep me from wasting my hard-earned money again and being beyond disappointed.

Thank you,

Chelsea

Social Stress

In about a week and a half, I will be entering my second year of college.

As I watch my move-in day get closer and closer, I feel my emotions jumping from one extreme to another a gagillion times a day.

I know it shouldn't be a big deal, because I already made it through my first year, right? There are so many differences between last year and this year, though.

Possibly the biggest difference is I don't know the people I'm going to be living with this year. Last year, I had it fairly easy. I got to live with one of my best friends, and I knew she would basically be right there if I needed anything. This year, though, I am going to be living with three complete strangers. I've already talked to one of them a bit, and she's kind of like me. At least in the music taste area, which is kind of big, because it's one of the easiest ways to connect with me. And we have a similar kind of humor, it seems. The one who is my actual roommate likes Harry Potter, so, I mean, that's kind of like an automatic win, right? And I haven't really talked to the fourth one; I can tell she's going to be the super organized one, though, from the message thread the four of us have going. (And, of course, they all seem like they are very kind people, too.)


Despite knowing these things, I am beyond terrified.


For those of you who either don't know or haven't picked up on it, I am incredibly awkward and, worst of all, shy. Being just awkward is pretty well accepted these days, it seems, so it wouldn't be so bad if I was just awkward. Take Michael Cera, for example. He has basically made his career out of being the "awkward dork." Maybe he's shy, too, but he hides it well enough to get by in the industry.


But I cannot tame my shyness.


It's one of my most annoying and hurtful flaws, I think. It causes me to be "wrong" socially. I say the wrong things frequently (especially when I try to be funny). I don't open up very easily. I observe what is going on around me for a long while before getting too comfortable instead of participating right away. And I just don't talk a whole lot. It keeps me from making friends, and it is something I am constantly working on.

In many ways, I fear that meeting and living with three new people will cause me more stress than I am used to. Family gatherings stress me out, and those are people that I have known my whole life. How am I supposed to handle meeting and living with three brand new people? I can handle school work stress pretty well. I can handle money stress pretty well. I can handle time managing (or lack of) stress pretty well. Handling social stress, on the other hand, causes me to do the opposite of what I would do for the other stressful situations. Instead of acting to fix the problem, I avoid it more and more. Or I make a royal mess of things when I do finally act.

Some of you may be wondering how I deal with my job, where I have to interact with random people all day long. I really don't know how I do it. It could have to do with the fact that they don't expect me to connect with them on a personal level or chitchat with them too much. I am able to keep myself at a distance. Once people expect me to get close to them and be all buddy-buddy, though, I freeze up a little. I either don't respond or I say incredibly dumb, out-there things.

Having the Internet and interacting with people that way has helped me a little bit with my social skills, but only the tiniest bit. The difference between the Internet and Real Life, though, is people expect, well, demand immediate responses from you when you're conversing in person. The Internet allows you to take a moment to think of something, because you can blame it on having to do something else for a bit. In Real Life, if you wait to say something, you look... stupid.

I don't know. Maybe I'm over thinking the whole thing like I normally do. Sometimes writing everything out in the open helps me, though.


If you have any comments, feel free to say something, as always. Advice on how to deal with this kind of stress or where to read up on it would be wonderful, too. Or hearing your own stories. Or hearing what ever you wish to say. Or hearing recommendations for other topics. Or hearing nothing. Whatever floats yo' boat.

Have a great whatever it currently is for you.

Chelsea

P.S. In regards to the last post about the tattoo, I'm still undecided about the whole thing, but you all did give me some more to think about, so it will be a little while longer until I get one. Until then, I will be settling on fake ones. Or ones drawn by my younger sister. Thanks for all your input and advice. :)

I Needz To Pick Your Brainz!

Hey, everyone!

So, I have a very specific purpose for this "entry." (Ooh! I know! How shocking!) In fact, it's so specific, that I don't really need to write much.

See, I am nearing my twentieth birthday (less than two months). This means the end of my teen years! I'm not really nervous or excited or anything, but I want to do something kind of big-ish for the heck of it.

Now, this is where YOU come in!

Lately, I have been wanting to get a tattoo. I was wondering if you guys had any suggestions, tips, etc. for someone who is new to this whole thing. My mom and stepdad have tattoos, but I want to hear what others have to say about it, too.

Also, if you have any other ideas for a big-ish horrah kind of thing (THAT ARE COMPLETELY LEGAL!), I would love to hear them.

So... SPILL! What do you think?! (Or don't spill if you don't want to. Whatevs.)

Thanks for any input.

Chelsea :)

P.S. As of right now, I am thinking of getting a tattoo of a claddagh in the wrist-forearm area on my left. I think something like that is a piece of art I wouldn't regret down the line. There are just problelms with a claddagh, because, according to some research I have done and from what my mom has told me, the way it faces can represent your "relationship status," so I'm hesitant to get it on my left arm facing out (it could mean I'm engaged... and/or make me look like I know nothing about the symbol or its history). So, if you have any ideas regarding that, then awesome. If not, that's awesome, too.