Okay.
So, I mentioned something on Twitter about getting back "poems" for my Creative Writing class today, and, though I don't understand why, some of you seemed interested in reading them?
I went back and forth between whether or not I should share them, but, in the end, I figured it would help my grade. "How could it help your grade to embarrass the hell out of yourself, Chelsea?" Well, Imaginary Person in my Head, I could just ask everyone who reads these sorry excuses for poetry to completely tear them apart. I'm not talking, "Ohhhh, this is great, but you should do this..." I'm talking about, "Wow. Okay. First thing you need to do... Get rid of this shit."
Yes. Just like that.
So, if you're reading this, don't hesitate to take me down. Both of these are, pretty much, my first drafts. Very little, if any, revision went into either one. Also... I NEED the harsh, bringing-me-down criticism. I want (and need) to do well in the class, and I feel like I'm not learning anything from the teacher, so I need YOU to help me figure out what is "good" and what is "bad."
By the way, my teacher doesn't seem to like poems with rhyming throughout the whole thing, so don't worry about that. Haha. She basically told me to scrap my one rhyming poem (which I'm not showing, because I have another plan for it since she wanted me to try something else with it...), but the other pieces were okay-ish (if some revisions were in the future).
Okay. Now, go crazy with your imaginary red pens of death and kill these pieces of shit so they may rise from the dead and become something like a weird-looking-smelling-tasting flower.
Much love and many thanks,
Chelsea
Crocodile
Crocodile
Laying in a murky stream.
Eyes propped out.
Smiling. Waiting.
“Don’t be afraid.
Take a chance,”
He growls,
Sweetly. Smoothly.
“If it hurts,
The leap and pain were worth it,”
He encourages,
Kindly. Hopefully.
I take a leap
Into the murky stream,
Where Crocodile waits,
Patiently. Hungrily.
The next thing I know,
I am being pulled under,
Smiling. Grinning.
Then
Gasping. Crying.
Laying in a murky stream.
Eyes propped out.
Smiling. Waiting.
“Don’t be afraid.
Take a chance,”
He growls,
Sweetly. Smoothly.
“If it hurts,
The leap and pain were worth it,”
He encourages,
Kindly. Hopefully.
I take a leap
Into the murky stream,
Where Crocodile waits,
Patiently. Hungrily.
The next thing I know,
I am being pulled under,
Smiling. Grinning.
Then
Gasping. Crying.
Little One
Forever submerged
In your transparent coffin of life
Where breaths of life are dissolved,
You move around restless,
In amazement of everything,
Whether they be grand or dull.
In your transparent coffin of life
Where breaths of life are dissolved,
You move around restless,
In amazement of everything,
Whether they be grand or dull.
The sounds of music
And the motion of my fingers
Always get your heart throbbing,
One means entertainment,
The other, food,
But both mean company.
I know it gets lonely for you,
Our competing languages forming mountains
Of misunderstanding;
And I know you long for a presence
When everyone leaves,
But, I promise, it’s always only temporary.
Like everything else, though, Little One,
I know our Time Together Clock
Will eventually be shattered and broken.
So, please, excuse the camera in your tiny face,
I wish only to remember you well
When a wind like Winter’s blows out your tiny flame.
3 comments:
Alrighty!
First note: ENOUGH WITH THE SELF-DEPRECATION! I know you're trying to get the point across about people not holding back, but... yeah, no more :-p
Okay, with regard to the poems -
Both of them are well-formatted; your line breaks are perfect and everything is nice and consistent. Good there.
CROCODILE:
I like the feel of it, and I like the little switcheroo at the end, but I don't understand the line in the middle that sets it all up:
"if it hurts, the leap and pain were worth it"
...I have no idea what this means; at face value it makes no sense... I'd expect a sentence to say something more like, if it helps you, then the initial pain was worth it. So, I don't know if you're doing this deliberately to be nonsensical, or if I'm just missing what you're saying here. So, that's my gripe - I don't know whether I get the poem, or whether I'm even supposed to get it. Structurally, it's fine and I like the way it reads... I just don't understand it.
LITTLE ONE
This poem, I love. it's poignant and sweet; You walked a line I like to walk, where I speak in the most ambiguous terms I can manage, but still manage to leave enough in there for the reader to get what I'm referring to. Granted, I have a little inside info because I know about Pippa from your tweets... but this is just great, even if one doesn't know the background.
I'd consider striking a couple words or revising some in the following places:
"breaths of life" in line 3 - you said "of life" in the line right above it, and also, breaths are inherently indicative of life... I'd just go with something like "where breath is dissolved" instead.
This is a little less of a concern, but you also repeat the word 'get'... it can be very good to repeat key words to hammer home a thought, but when linking words are repeated it comes off like lazy vocabulary. Maybe change the one on line 9; if you use 'starts', for example, it eliminates the repetition and includes a nice little internal rhyme on that line (I agree with your teacher that rhymed poems are a little tedious and generally less enjoyable than free verse... but peppering the occasional rhyme *in* a free verse piece makes a nice impact).
Everything else, I think is great :)
Good luck with the class!
CROCODILE:
I was immediately reminded of "How the Elephant Got His Trunk" by Rudyard Kipling, but you took it in a whole other direction. Surprise!
I think I'd look for a word other than "propped" at the beginning. I'm envisioning little 2x4s holding up the crocodile's eyes.
I like ambiguity. It means I get to make up a totally bogus interpretation of your stuff and paint myself in erudite colors, and you can say things like, "Uh, YEAH... that's what it meant all along!"
Specifically, with regard to the "If it hurts..." line, you're not saying WHO it hurts. The crocodile? The poet? It sounds to me like someone ELSE is the target of the pain. After all, the poet is clearly a suicide. Suicides tend toward three types: the "cry for help" variety (not really a suicide at all); the "end it all" variety; and the "THEN you'll be sorry" variety. This appears to be the third.
As I see it, the nice, helpful crocodile is merely the agent of the poet's revenge.
I like it.
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LITTLE ONE:
Yay, fishy!
I agree with Kevin's comments, and also note that "everything" in this context is singular, as in "each thing"... so the next line should be "Whether it be grand or dull"
I adore the last line. Winter, long associated with Death, is the perfect metaphor when you're looking for a cold wind to extinguish the candle of Life.
CROCODILE
It's "LYING in a murky stream," unless you are talking about laying eggs or something else.
I agree with Dave, change PROPPED
I take THAT leap, instead of A leap, and you've already used "LEAP," maybe some other action word, give us more
you've already used MURKY STREAM, use other words to describe the waters
Just THE NEXT THING ("I know" is superfluous, everything in the poem is what you know)
"I am being pulled under" isn't as strong as "I am pulled under."
Little One
Forever submerged
In your transparent coffin (I like this description, you don't need "of life.")
Where breath is dissolved,
You move around restless,
("move around" aren't descriptive enough, they mark time. Might as well say, "You are restless<' but you can give more. "You flit and tip, restless" and you either need a comma between how it moves and "restless" (showing another way it moves) or say "restlessly," modifying the way it moves. (I'm being picky like you asked.)
In amazement of everything,
Whether they be grand or dull. -- You've never said, "Whether they be grand or dull." how about "Everything, grand or dull, is greeted with wide-eyed amazement."
The sounds of music
And the motion of my fingers
Always get your heart throbbing, ("get" is a weak word.)
One means entertainment,
The other, food,
But both mean company. (don't tell us what things mean, show us. "Entertainment or food.
Either way, company."
I know it gets lonely for you, (Again, "gets" weakens lonely, "I know" marks time, anything in the poem is what you know, "for you" doesn't give us anything. "You're steeped in loneliness.")
Our competing languages forming mountains ("form" is stronger than "forming", but I like how you put the fishes language on an even level with yours)
Of misunderstanding;
And I know you long for a presence ("and I know," we know you know it, it marks time and doesn't say anything. "You long for presence" Maybe find a stronger word than "LONG", I don't think you need "A presence", just "presence")
When everyone leaves,
But, I promise, it’s always only temporary. (This is a funny line. I would emphasize that. "But, I promise, always is temporary.")
Like everything else, though, (scratch "though," it doesn't give anything) Little One,
I know our Time Together Clock (I really like Our Time Together Clock but scratch "I know")
Will eventually be shattered and broken. (I don't like "Will eventually be", maybe "Will be shattered and broken, inevitably.
So, please, excuse the camera in your tiny face,
I wish only to remember you well (scratch "well", it doesn't add, make "wish only" to "only wish")
When a wind like Winter’s blows out your tiny flame. (scratch "like." It reduces. "When Winter's Wind blows out your flame." (you've already used "tiny," pick another word or just drop it. That last line is strange. How is there a wind or flame under water? But maybe you mean to leave us hanging in that strange puzzle.)
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